Thoughts and Emotions, oh my. (re-release)
EP 009: Aubrey Shaffner
Pastry Professional, Educator, and Host
Aubrey dives deep into Emotional Intelligence; explaining where emotions come from, how they affect the brain and body, and impact the decision-making process. This episode is meant to be a resource to help you better understand why emotions matter to the development of your Emotional Intelligence, affect your mental health, and support your growth as a successful leader.
EPISODE OUTLINE
[00:00:00] What to expect this episode
[00:04:25] How to build a strong and resilient mindset
[00:06:00] Mindset shift suggestion #1
[00:11:00] Mindset shift suggestion #2
[00:17:00] Mindset shift suggestion #3
[00:19:00] Takeaway exercises for real life
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TRANSCRIPT
What to expect this episode
[00:00:00] Aubrey: Before we get into the episode, incase you haven’t listened to the last one, which I of course do recommend you do, then you don’t know about all the cool new things we have launching this month and next, so real quick I wanted to touch base on ko-fi which is launching September 2nd. I am most excited for this one because it’s finally a real opportunity to start gathering and connecting as a community together. We have put so much work and heart into creating great content and resources for you in there that really build off the intention of the show: to use story sharing as a way to create curiosity and kindness, because when you know better, you do better. So head to our website and subscribe to our very few, but intentional, emails so you can join the GAP community on ko-fi, launching September 2nd. See you there!
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[00:00:48] Aubrey: So last week was such a great episode with John- Henry Strong. He’s a mental health practitioner, aka therapist, who talked about the importance of mental health and how to make it more accessible.
[00:01:00] Aubrey: If you haven’t listened already you’ll find it in the feed, but I thought it would be fun to bring back an oldie but a goodie from season one. It really expands on these concepts and breaks down how our brain works a bit. Selfishly, its also one of my favorite solo episodes yet. So, if you’ve already heard this one I invite you to share with someone you know that could find it helpful, and if you haven’t, take a minute now, get comfy, grab a journal, scrap piece of paper, whatever it is, and just use this as a moment to yourself. Hope you enjoy!
[00:01:35] Aubrey: My first job after graduation, at the age of 21, I had one chef that told me I didn't take constructive criticism well. As an adult now, hindsight 20/20 and all, I don't totally disagree, but the misunderstanding was the why. What she saw was a kid that thought they knew better about everything, while in reality, I was an undiagnosed ADHD, perfectionist people pleaser,
[00:02:00] Aubrey: terrified of letting people down, especially a chef. And so I would way overcompensate and explain to her why I did what I did, so I could prove I wasn't an idiot. No one had even mentioned the possibility of ADHD to me until I was 30, when I was sitting on the couch of my parents house, my mom, randomly said, I don't know how I'm just realizing this, but have you ever considered you have ADHD? And it was the first time someone suggested that the issue could be anything other than me just solely being a flawed human to someone who didn't have a proper understanding of how their brain worked. And as I scrolled through the rabbit hole that is the ADHD subreddit, there were a lot of not everybody does that, including the discovery of something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD, which is when you experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected. For me, the thought of letting someone down was enough to send me into a
[00:03:00] Aubrey: panic every time. And my behavior really reflected that. But the realization that this was a manageable skill changed my life. Now, when these feelings of shame guilt and embarrassment start taking over, I simply tell myself, "we don't do this anymore". It allows me and my brain the reset needed to process these feelings in a way that can benefit me instead of punishing me for something that is totally normal and literally hardwired into my brain. And while the reasons will vary person to person, I know I’m not alone in having a situation like this. We can all benefit from a better understanding of ourselves. So, let this episode help you and guide you to what will work best for you. To support you on that journey, here are three more of my most effective mindset shifts that you could start using right now.
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[00:03:57] Aubrey: Hi Sunshine and welcome to the show.
[00:04:00] Aubrey: I’m your host Aubrey, a hopeful romantic who’s always loved getting to know others and learning what I don’t know. Here I chat with kind-hearted humans and insightful professionals, sharing their stories to learn form each others’ experiences in hope of going beyond the golden rule and collectively building a more kind and curious world for all. This is the golden approach. I’m so grateful you’re here.
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How to build a strong and resilient mindset
[00:04:25] Aubrey: Now, before we get too deep, I do want to acknowledge, shit is crazy out there right now. I mean, I know in some ways it's always been crazy, but there's more people, more access to world news constantly at our fingertips, and do not even get me started on social media. It's the freaking wild west on steroids and this shit's exhausting. But. Just finding sources of dopamine won't quench your thirst. And avoidance doesn't work. (I promise. I've tried and I don't recommend it). So we must learn to build a strong and resilient mindset. But how?
[00:05:00] Aubrey: Basics. Obviously. It's always back to the basics. None of what I'm going to talk about in this episode are recent discoveries. Companies use information about your brain and emotions for sales and marketing purposes literally every day, and they've been perfecting those algorithms over years. And if people didn't use it for being greedy and shady, it'd be a pretty cool tool. I mean, despite still being pretty young, I'm old enough to remember the before times, where I had to go find any answer I needed in an encyclopedia. Now it feels like I just have to think about something and the next thing I know there's like five sponsored ads about it. Maybe you miss the simple days. And maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about, but it's remarkable how quickly life has changed, and it can be hard to keep up with since we're not meant to evolve quickly like AI. But human resilience is an amazing thing, and that's thanks to our brain. Now there are certain ways that our bodies and minds function that we have little to no control over, like anything metabolic and muscular.
Mindset shift suggestion #1
[00:06:00] Aubrey: In the brain specifically, an example is the first time that you experience literally anything will forever be the experience that your brain compares to. Basically, our brains are judgmental, biased little shits. And the longer it takes to rewire that experience, the harder it gets to do so. But, before you get discouraged thinking, ‘Well, I have no control, then why are we even talking about this?’ Don't worry. Just because we can't change the how, doesn't mean we can't manage the why. And even better news, the better we understand ourselves as individuals, the easier it is to connect with others. So this is a real win/win. Let's chat then about the first mindset shift I want to share with you. “Incorporate, not separate”. I actually created this little zinger to teach about when I add butter to meringue for buttercream of all things, but I found myself applying this to regular life. Whether it's about
[00:07:00] Aubrey: incorporating new skills or ideas, the point is to use new information to help me elevate what I already know. Rather than just feeling obligated to choose sides or abandon something altogether. For example, when you work in pastry, you often have to relearn everything when you get a new job. I mean, like, literally everything. Because you have to match the preference of the chef you work for. Often, I found myself just finding ways to hide my tactics. Because I couldn't get the same results as my chef exclusively using their approach. As I moved up the hierarchy and became a chef myself, I tried really hard to not have that same expectation for my staff. The rule was they could work in a way that best suited them, so long as they got an equivalent result in a comparable timeframe; otherwise they would have to use my approach. Rarely did it happen that way. More often, we would both grow from the opportunity to cross compare those tactics, but to “incorporate, not separate”
[00:08:00] Aubrey: only works when all the involved parties are truly open to the experience. This requires my favorite topic, emotional intelligence. This is the ability to implement and manage emotions through awareness and understanding. And you might say, what does emotion have anything to do with the point? But stick with me. Emotions are the foundation of all experience. Maybe you personally are very in tune with your emotions, but culturally you weren't encouraged to explore or understand that part of yourself or others. Or maybe expressing your emotions doesn't come to you naturally. And that's hard because you grew up around others who were extremely expressive and didn't understand why you weren't the same. Emotions, unfortunately, aren't something that I often see people comfortable experiencing, much less learning about, discussing, or implementing. It's all dependent on one's individual nature and nurture combo. Whatever your personal experience, though,
[00:09:00] Aubrey: a diverse emotional vocabulary is vital to your success in personal and professional development. My recommendation is think about emotions as colors. There's the foundation of ROY G. BIV, and when blended together, they create an expanse of new colors. Similarly, most people are familiar with the basic emotions: fear, anger, disgust, surprise, sadness, and joy. And I do note here that psychology professor W. Gerald Parrot, probably pronouncing that incorrectly, also includes trust and anticipation in the basics. Either way though, it's theorized that the basics, when blended, create 25 secondary and 134 tertiary emotions that we can experience, just like colors. And if you had to write a list of all the emotions you could name right now, do you think you'd come close to listing 167 of them? So the question still stands. What is emotion? Where do they come from? How do we learn to use them
[00:10:00] Aubrey: to their full potential? How do we better “incorporate, not separate,” all there is to experience?
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[00:10:10] Aubrey: Hi there! Maybe you've noticed, there's no commercials on this show. And that's because we don't currently have any sponsors. And while I do hope, someday in the future, that that will happen, currently, this is totally funded by yours truly. So. If you like the show and would like to help me make sure it continues to exist and grow, I just wanted to let you know that you can support the show directly by checking out our merch on our website, www.goldenapproachpodcast.com. And in case you didn't know, every person we interview gets to choose a cause of choice. We then make them a custom episode, merch piece, and we donate $5 of every [00:10:00] Aubrey: piece sold. It's vital we do what we ask of others, and we take action to build the world we believe in from the start. So each piece of merch sold could support up to three businesses at once. And I would say that's working smarter, not harder, am I right? So after listening, head to the show notes where we'll have the website page linked. Thank you so, so much because I literally couldn't do this without you.
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Mindset shift suggestion #2
[00:11:00] Aubrey: Emotions are complex reactions. They engage our body and mind. And they affect us behaviorally, physically, and mentally. Any one of the three can also trigger the others. So for example, if you're dreading something, you might start to experience a stomachache or headache. You might start fidgeting or pacing and so forth. And this stems from the interaction of two particular parts in your brain. First is the Amygdala, AKA the “feeling” part. And the second part is the Neocortex, AKA the “thinking” part. The Amygdala,
[00:12:00] Aubrey: the feeling part, cannot differentiate situations. It sticks to the basics, what's familiar, and this allows for a quicker response time. Some refer to this actually as intuition since it's what's skipping the thinking part and encouraging direct action. But intuition isn't magic. And it's not set in stone. It's a skill that can be developed. It can be more accurate and supportive of your needs. But to do so, you have to develop that thinking part, the Neocortex part of your brain that's providing you with the context when you're making a decision. You can practice this at any time. All you have to do is just check in with yourself in different situations. Your senses are constantly aware of what's happening, so just use this to your advantage. Do so by being more observant of the environment around you. What do you see? What do you hear? Check in with yourself physically; what feels “good”, what feels “bad”? When? Why? And in that
[00:13:00] Aubrey: listening part, just to be clear, you got to make sure that you're actually listening, and that's the concentration on sound. A lot of times we mistake listening for hearing. Hearing is just being aware that there's sound, so you have to make sure that you're actually concentrating on the sound. Anyway, these three things, the more often you identify them, the better you'll be able to interpret what type of response is needed or appropriate to the moment. You're honing your intuition. So, in basic terms, think of that Amygdala as the part of the brain that asks the question and that Neocortex is the part that answers it. We each benefit physically, socially, and creatively from the ability to use our emotions because they're there to help us. They more than literally anything want you to be successful. So, we have to be careful categorizing our emotions as “positive” or “negative.” This brings me
[00:14:00] Aubrey: to the next mindset shift suggestion. As a kid, whenever it rained and I or my sister were making a fuss about it, my mom would say, very matter of factly. "Two things happen in the rain. Sugar melts, and shit floats. And trust me when I tell you, you won't melt". These days, it's a funny saying. It's nostalgic to me. But more often, I actually use it as a really simple reminder “sugar melts, shit floats”; meaning the sweet stuff has a way of getting lost and the bitter sticks out like a sore thumb. It's a way to remind myself that like anything else in the universe, everything requires balance. These “positive” emotions and experiences can provide us with more tolerance, new ideas, generosity and motivation. They give us hits of dopamine, which encourage repetitive behavior. Whereas “ negative” emotions and experiences, they really typically encourage precision and like a more narrow type of focus. And both can be helpful in different ways, for sure, but
[00:15:00] Aubrey: throughout most of human existence, those negative emotions are what kept us literally alive. Really thinking on that fight or flight situation, but specific situations aside, a lot of us actually aren't experiencing literal life or death scenarios anymore on the regular. So this survival mechanism has had to find new outlets. Emotions don't really disappear, they just kind of slow leak and literally, if you need evidence of this, just go on social media or the news. Maybe you react to intense feelings through angst and anger. Or maybe you're more of an avoidance resulting in loneliness kind of person. Maybe you're like me and you switch back and forth depending on the scenario. Either way, it's important to really de-catastrophize the situation by learning to separate the emotions. What's your baggage? What's theirs? Because you cannot carry it all. (Again, I tried. I don't recommend it.) We all know negative feelings and experiences can be pervasive, so it's important to not make them permanent. I
[00:16:00] Aubrey: encourage you, reflect and practice your internal dialogue. Don't just tell yourself, ask yourself, ‘why does this make me feel this way?’ And then circle back to that emotional vocabulary, because maybe you don't have the right words to describe it yet. And I do want to put in a disclaimer side note here, English is actually a super challenging language for emotions. Most other languages use expressions to describe their emotions. Because emotions have very many shades depending on the situation at hand. So, give yourself lots of grace during this process and hopefully use it as a fun opportunity to explore like other languages and maybe how they describe feelings. And then how you can kind of reel that back into what feels more familiar to you in English.
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[00:16:19] Aubrey: Pardon one more quick selfless plug. Anyone who knows me knows I love books, so we are affiliate partners of bookshop.org, an organization dedicated to keeping local bookstores alive and thriving, because those big corporations, they just don't need any more of our money. So head to the show notes where we've linked our bookshelf and bonus, we'd love if you sent us suggestions to add, you can do so by DMing us on Instagram @goldenapproachpod, or join our email subscriptions on our website, goldenapproachpodcast.com. Okay, let's dive back in.
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Mindset shift suggestion #3
[00:17:00] Aubrey: To better decipher what these, again, “positive” and “negative” emotions are, individually, we have to reflect on our younger years. I tell people all the time, if you want this to make sense, just meet my parents. No two people's experience is ever the same. Not even siblings. Like my sister and I, despite coming from the same household, our same parents who are luckily still together, we're really still complete opposites in a lot of ways. This is partially due to our age difference. But also because life just changes regularly, and we've had a lot of different first hand experiences. So this really reflects on what makes this a challenge for society in general. We're all starting from different starting lines. And many people don't really learn how to understand and channel their emotions. Instead, as kids, they're learning established responses and expectations. They're learning to “control” their emotions, meaning to dominate and suppress or restrain thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Versus learning how to, “manage”
[00:18:00] Aubrey: their emotions, meaning to focus on directing and influencing their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The good news is though, it actually takes way more energy to control your emotions than it does to manage them, so here's to a win! Rather than get bogged down by all that shit floating around you, that's already making you stressed and exhausted, you don't have to add to it. You don't have to suppress and restrain your true self. I promise at the end of the day our emotions are the only things in our lives we have true autonomy of I repeat because this is important our emotions are one of the only things in our lives we have true autonomy of. The more you suppress them, though, the more alone you will feel. It's not that I promise it, it's just how it genetically all works, okay? None of us have control over it and the more you will want to distance yourself from all life has to offer, making all those sugary things in your
Takeaway exercises for real life
[00:19:00] Aubrey: life melt away faster. So how do we make moves in the right direction? It brings me to my final mindset shift suggestion. (say that three times fast) This is that the idea that, “every disadvantage has an advantage.” This was originally said by Johan Cruyff. He's a Dutch football player who passed away, and I'm sure I'm saying his name incorrectly, but I'm not embarrassed to admit that I first did hear this on the show Ted Lasso on Apple TV, which is one of my all time favorite shows. Highly recommend, it's basically about emotional intelligence, and I digress… The point is that by combining recognition, understanding, and strategy, one can not only develop their emotional intelligence, but excel in all aspects of their life. You can start doing this by taking responsibility for your emotions. Try managing your physical feelings first, since humans are hardwired
[00:20:00] Aubrey: to seek things that are very tangible. This provides real impactful instant relief. Then, try identifying what your triggers are. How can you transfer things from an automatic response to an intentional one? And then look ahead. If you know a situation is coming that's going to make you feel a certain way, especially in a, again, “negative” sense, how can you process some of those feelings ahead of time? Because intense emotions really blind us and con us. Also, it's really important to remind yourself that emergencies aside, you always have a choice. How can you practice accessing that “thinking” brain faster in response to your “feeling” brain? Also, remember, just do something, anything that will help separate yourself from the situation and assist you in all these other support factors. And then finally, when it's all said and done,
[00:21:00] Aubrey: go back, reflect, and process the situation. Learn how to manage yours and others emotions to build better social wellbeing together. So in Pastry, we love to gift some takeaways. So, I want to figure out the podcast version. So here are three exercises that you can use very simply to check in with yourself and will help you figure out where to start your journey. One, how wide is your emotional vocabulary? Literally write down every single one you can think of on a piece of paper. We're going old school. Then, look them up in the dictionary. How close is the formal definition of that word to your own personal understanding? And then on the flip side, try to find some new ones that you can incorporate into your vocabulary. Exercise two. Keep a journal noting different experiences you have. And simply
[00:22:00] Aubrey: keep the descriptions to the point and factual. Separately, list any and all feelings you experienced. The goal is to detangle, we want it to separate the triggered emotion from the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occurred so we can transfer the power from the emotion back to ourselves. This can also be a bonus way to like build pause in a situation between the situation itself and your reaction. It's helping that Neocortex have time to catch up to that Amygdala. And exercise three, how do you associate basic emotions based on your cultural or nuclear family influences? What is, “good” to you and what is ‘bad”? Do you actually agree with these associations as an adult, as someone who feels for other people? Are you giving yourself the same kindness that you give to others and the same forgiveness that you give to others? Also, as a bonus, I actually do this a lot, so I promise
[00:23:00] Aubrey: these are tried and true. Next time, when you're watching or reading something, challenge yourself to see how well you already understand why a character is doing what they're doing. Try to like literally describe how they're feeling in your own words. This is a great exercise for kids, especially personally as a part of this, I actually like to see if maybe I know someone that like lived at the same time period of a show, or if it reminds me of a particular age of, you know, my own where was I at the time of that story? How did I feel? How do I imagine that that person that I know would feel or what was that experience like for them to grow up at a time like that. It just really helps ground you in the story and to really help better connect with characters. And honestly, if you do any of these, there's a pretty good chance you're going to discover an answer that you don't like and is hard to accept. And I promise that's okay. Because every
[00:24:00] Aubrey: “disadvantage has an advantage”. Challenge yourself to “find the sugar and leave behind the shit”. And only then, can you truly “incorporate, and not separate”, all the world has to offer you. Whew. Okay. I know I covered a lot in this episode. I'll probably listen to this one again a few times. And in truth, I actually go back and regularly listen to previous episodes. I'm always finding new things that resonate with me depending on what's happening in my life at that moment. So, strongly, I encourage you to give it a try. And if you're curious to learn more about this episode, be sure to check out the show notes wherever you're listening, or head to the episode page on our website, www.goldenapproachpodcast.com for more details and transcripts.
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[00:24:12] Aubrey: Thank you for listening to the golden approach podcast, which wouldn't be possible without the support of associate producer and content manager, Emmalyn with audio technology and support provided by barn swallow audio company. If you've liked this episode or any episode prior, be sure to follow so you never miss a new release. We greatly appreciate if you helped others find the show also by leaving a review wherever you're currently listening or directly sharing with friends and family. You can find resources, merch, and more in the show notes and website, GoldenApproachPodcast.com. And if you're looking for more content, join our Ko-fi community and follow on Insta @GoldenApproachPod. Until next time, let your hopeful romantic side shine always. Buh bye!
[00:25:00] Music fades out…
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